{'Messiness makes you different': Lukas Gage on medication, trauma, autobiography – and filming TV's most sexually frank sequence

There's a revealing instance in the actor's new book where he calls it a "early autobiography". It's a self-deprecating quip, of course, but it's also accurate. Gage isn't megawatt famous – at least not yet. Likely, though, if you've watched him then you will remember him. In 2020, he became an internet sensation after sharing an tryout recording where the filmmaker – not realizing he wasn't on mute – was heard judging his living arrangements. "These individuals live in these small apartments," he states, before Gage steps in to let him know he can hear every word. The following year, Gage appeared in the first season of The White Lotus: in one scene, his role Dillon is discovered by a visitor standing stark naked in the manager's office, while the manager performs a sexual act on him.

"I figured: I don't have too much to do in the show so I'd better make an impression on it big," he says with a smile today. "I wanted to give people something to recall me for – and I did!"

Messy Characters and Existence

Gage excels in roles whose lives are chaotic and disordered – just like his own. That existence is all laid on the line in his memoir, which – here comes another self-deprecating remark – is called I Wrote this Book for Attention. Although comically entertaining, its subject matter is anything but light. We begin with Gage's emotions of rejection by his father, then progress to drug use, sexual abuse, domestic issues, addiction, personality disorders, guilt, rocky romances and emotional pain. What we don't get all that much of is the glamour of stardom. Gage freely acknowledges he is at the start of his career. He has no vast reserves of knowledge to impart on success. So what was the purpose of writing a memoir?

"I think it's cathartic for me to tell my story," he says over a video link from New York. "During the Hollywood writers' strike I had the free time to really dig in and go profound, so I just said: why not."

Childhood Life and Validation

Gage, 30, grew up in San Diego, and from an early age he was aware of his constant need for validation. He remembers a party where he showed up, aged four, wearing heels and costume accessories; in particular, he recalls being wounded by his dad's obvious disgust at what he was doing. Their bond never really healed – Gage's dad moved out and became progressively remote with his sons (Gage has two siblings) before settling down with a new family.

Gage struggled to belong at school. He was a natural performer, but this meant it was often hard to know who the true Lukas was. "I found myself constantly trying on different hats and personalities, which I think was quite divisive for people," he says. It also had its advantages. Gage could easily take on the character of a straight-laced football player while secretly filling his backpack up with booze at the rear of the shop. He was sometimes compensated by classmates to phone and pretend to be their parents to get them out of class. "Becoming different people was natural to me," he remarks.

Dependency and Household Challenges

The memoir deals with dependency – mainly his older brother's struggles with heroin that turn the cool brother he looked up to into a weak zombie, but also his mother's obsession with casino slot machines. An initial win meant the household could afford to make the deposit on a larger house, but Gage chuckles when I inquire if she really profited from gambling. "In the end, how much she used was certainly a lot more than that."

It is amusing, he notes. Until she had gone through the book, his mum hadn't really reconciled with this aspect of her personality. "She spoke to my other brothers, like, 'Do you guys think this way too?' And they were all like, 'Naturally, we've been saying this since we were kids.'"

Gage has a lot of affection for his mum, who clearly brought her children up in challenging circumstances. But she had a hard time reviewing it. "She believed as if she was unsuccessful as a mother and I did not want her to think that way at all. I feel like even though there's these turbulent things that occurred to me, tough things, I actually appreciated the way that I was raised."

Discovering Identity and Abuse

Gage didn't begin to find his true self until he was sent to an acting summer camp as a child, where being boisterous, theatrical and attention-seeking was actually encouraged. The time was transformative in positive ways, but also in a terrible one. One night, he was joined in his shelter by a camp counsellor who told Gage and a girl camper to kiss, take off their clothes and rub their selves against each other while he masturbated. For years later, he tried to ignore the guilt it left him with.

"As with a lot of people who undergo being molested, I felt like there was a willingness on my part because my body just disconnected. I knew it was wrong. I knew that the circumstance should not be taking place. But I just ploughed through it."

Self-Criticism and Professional Path

Gage is tough on himself in the book – and still is. He confesses to searching out "dark reviews" of himself on the internet. "I dislike that I don't always regard my acting and writing in the best light," he says. "I wish I could have more empathy with that part of myself."

Yet he acknowledges that this self-criticism drives him forward too. In secondary school, he appeared in a skin care commercial and spent the day on set inquiring about every query possible about audio and the job of crew. Despite his mum's concerns, he left San Diego for Hollywood at the age of 18, staying in the Alta Cienega Motel where his hero Jim Morrison lived, on and off, between 1968 and 1970 (online comments – "Stay FAR FAR AWAY from this DUMP!" – indicate it might not have been the most luxurious of accommodations).

Gage's big break should have arrived when he secured a part in Mad Men, as Sally Draper's love interest. He told his entire household about it, but during a wardrobe session he was forced to show the ink he'd had inked on his sides, spine and calf. "I had these agents telling to me: how could you damage this? How could you sabotage this? I don't think that was the greatest thing for a young adult to listen to when they've just missed out on something that significant."

These days, such markings would be concealed in minutes, but at that time he was shown the door and back to square one. The constant cycles of tryouts and refusals were brutal, but at least he had been trained well for them. "If I ever got rejected for a job, I would always feel: it's fine, it's not as bad as my dad rejecting me for another family and kid," he remarks.

Persistence and Success

Gage persevered. The tale of how he lied, begged and cheated to get an tryout for Assassination Nation, which eventually resulted in a part in the popular series Euphoria (as Tyler Clarkson, bruised and in a support) and then The White Lotus, could fill a book in itself. Gage recalls the oddity of filming The White Lotus in 2020, sequestered in a high-end Hawaii hotel while the pandemic and the US election unfolded. It was in fact Gage, along with fellow actor Murray Bartlett, who suggested the idea that their sex act should be something a bit extra – and creator Mike White readily agreed. Gage chuckles remembering his mum's reaction. "She sent me a message, like, 'Such a cute bum, but maybe next time give me a heads-up that's going to happen when I'm watching with my companions.'"

It was while on set that Gage shared fellow cast members the recording in which his apartment was criticized. Their response – shocked, amused, encouraging – convinced him to post it online. He wasn't ready for the reaction it received: numerous articles, expressions of support from peers and strangers alike, and a crusade against the filmmaker in question, none of which Gage had any control over. "I felt like people were much more angry about it than I was, which confused me," he {